Leaving 2014 In The Past

As we prepare to say goodbye to 2014, I have a heavy heart. So much has happened in a year. I think back about this time last year, and I NEVER would have thought we (MollyKate and myself) would be where we are right now. With this year has come challenges, to say the least, and a lot of self discovery. This leaves me with a few words I want to say about the "me" I am leaving behind in 2014  and what I am taking away from the past year.

This has been a year of discovering who my friends are, a year of learning how strong I am, a year of learning to be a better mommy, and a year of surrender to God's will and plan. This year taught me just how strong I truly am. I learned that true happiness is not found in anyone else, it's not found from things or having everything perfectly put together. Happiness has one true source, and His name is Jesus.

I am proud of myself for getting up, dusting off the dirt, picking up the pieces, and for putting them back together. The pieces are different now, but they are slowly finding their new places. I have learned that real friends are the ones that listen, even when they don't want to hear it for the 1000 time, give you space when you need it, and tell you the tough truth even if you don't really want to hear it. They answer your texts at 3 am, when you're exhausted but your eyes are too puffy from crying to sleep. They are the people that you call at the very last minute to watch your child, because you have a last minute meeting that you can't take her to. They are the people that send a card to encourage you because they know it is the week of what used to be an important date in your life. They are the people that encourage and build you up in the very places of your heart that have been torn down for so long. They are the people that are quick to forgive when they know you may have done or said things because you just aren't in your right frame of mind. They forgive you before you even apologize. These are my friends. The ones I so desperately needed and the people God strategically placed in my life and in the capacity that I needed them.

I have learned this year that the life I was trying so hard to have, the perfect one, is not only unattainable, but it will NEVER bring joy or peace. Ya'll, I won't be anything but transparent here. I was chasing and chasing perfection. I wanted the perfectly decorated and clean home. I wanted the manicured yard, the perfectly dressed kids that had outstanding manners, and were involved in a multitude of sports and activities. I wanted to look my best and have dinner on the table every night. I wanted perfect friendships with other couples, and I wanted us to show up to church every Sunday, perfectly happy. I wanted the white picket fence, the happily ever after. I thought having all this would make my husband love me. I thought it would make him want to stay home at night with us. Let me tell you- IT'S NOT REAL. I don't care what Fakebook Facebook makes you think. It just isn't reality. And if it was, you still would not be happy because think how hard it would be to keep all that up! TRUE happiness and joy can only come from one place. It can only come from the one that knows your heart better than anyone else. He created it! What better place to look to for joy than to the one that instilled in you what exactly would bring you happiness. The Word says to delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Why? Because HE put those desires there!

I have learned this year that when it really comes down to it, family is all that truly matters. Yes, there will be times that family lets you down, but in the end, they are all we have. My family is amazing. We have had a curvy road in the past, because of poor choices I have made, but when I need them, they are always waiting in the wings. When I need someone to pull me out, to rescue me, there they are. My parents opened their doors to me and my daughter, they have helped me SO MUCH with MollyKate, and they have been such a strong source of encouragement. My mom has consistently reminded me of how strong I can be, how better the days are ahead, and how at some point in life all of this will be so far behind us that it won't even matter. She has reminded me that there are two little eyes watching me and depending on me. My dad has stepped right in to fill the shoes of a strong male role in his granddaughter's life. She adores him, and he does her. They are the sweetest best of friends and it melts my heart. That little girl doesn't know how lucky she is to have her Poppy, but one day I will be sure she understands how blessed she truly is.

I could go on and on all night about the valuable things I learned from this year. I am proud of myself for learning the lessons that I am taking away from this year. As for the rest of 2014....GOODBYE!!! I am GLAD to see you go! What valuable things have you learned this year?

As of Lately....

Another new blog....a very different one from the last...that is for sure. A lot has gone on over the past few months. I won't go into a whole lot of detail because quite frankly, I have just put it behind us and have tried to move ahead. The Lord has made the last 3 months so incredibly peaceful that I am in no way going to stand in the way of that. It actually has been quite shocking. At times the silence of it all makes it hurt even more, but God knows I couldn't handle any more crazy. The last 3 years have been insanity and to have relief from that is a true blessing. I forgot was peace was like. I honestly forgot what it was like to be truly happy.

 I think we all get so wrapped up in the Pinterest life-trying to do it all and be perfect-that we lose who we are. Maybe you're reading this and saying "No, that's not me" and if it's not, that is awesome! But I can be honest enough to say that I fell in love with the unattainable idea of perfection. I wanted the perfect home, the perfect kids that were always dressed perfect and had perfect manners, the happily perfect marriage...I can go on. The image that a lot of us portray on Fakebook Facebook. Does anybody feel me on this?

I have come to really know myself over the past 3 months. That's what a lot of alone time can do for a girl. Parts of it weren't pretty-parts of it still need work. I am getting there, or so I'd like to think-slowly but surely. When you get married you truly do become ONE. With that comes the good but also the bad and the ugly. When tragedy strikes and you find yourself alone again, you have to reevaluate things. You have to learn to shake the bad and the ugly, refine the good, and relearn who you are as a person. It's not easy and it takes a lot of courage to stick it out-or at least it has for me.

If you know me personally, you probably know my story. I don't feel this is the place to share the details, but I hope that I can be of encouragement to women who have gone through what I have. I hope to share bits and pieces as time goes and share how God has shown His beautiful face and pulled me through (and I mean PULLED because there were times I just threw my hands up and gave up). But like the Word says in Isaiah 61:3, He will bestow us with a crown of beauty instead of ashes and joy instead of mourning.

A New Computer!

I have been needing a new computer for some time now....and Santa brought one! So you know what that means...lots of blogging! Yay! I have been making a list for months now of blog topics and I can't wait to get busy.

Christmas was awesome this year. As I am sure everyone is aware of by now, Daniel and I chose to separate this year. I have taken on the role as MollyKate's sole parent and provider which has come with a handful of challenges along the way, but God has been so faithful. I was not really sure what Christmas would hold for us this year, but knew we would make the best of whatever came along. As the Lord would have it, I met an incredible man that just so happens to be the brother of my sweet friend Bailey, and who comes from a precious family. They have accepted my daughter and I like one of them. There's never been one ounce of hesitation, not a second of being uncomfortable, not a minute of anything but love and acceptance of BOTH of us. For a group of people to open my child with open and loving arms like they have leaves me at a loss for words. They have stepped right in and filled a place where there could have been a void for us this year.

My family hosted Casey (AKA dream boy) and his family for Christmas Day dinner. Jon (Bailey's husband....kind of a big deal...wins bbq competitions and stuff....has been on TV) grilled us some steaks. They were amazing, not that I expected anything less. We had a great meal, awesome desserts, and sat around lazy and watching the kids play for the rest of the night.

As I looked around last night, my heart smiled. I reflected on everything that I have always wanted, everything that my heart longed for so deeply for years. Two families sitting around laughing, having meaningful conversations, kids playing, friendships deepening, memories being made...and my eyes welled up with tears. I have always heard and read the verses about God using what the devil intended for harm and making it good, about how He will redeem your life from the pit, how He will set your feet upon solid ground, how He has plans to prosper us, and that there is beauty that comes from the ashes. There are moments in life when God becomes SO REAL. Those moments when  it feels like it is just you and Him, that He is literally wrapping His sweet loving arms around you and whispering to you that He loves you. They don't happen all the time, maybe not even but a few precious times in an entire life. When that moment happens though, it is a feeling of love unlike any other. These moments when His promises are shown to be true make every other day worth it.

If I can offer any encouragement to anyone out there, it is to HOLD ON. Stay faithful because I promise He is. It may feel like there are times when you are alone. You may feel like God doesn't hear you, doesn't care, heck...it may feel like He forgot he even created you. I promise you friend, that is not the case. Run to Him. Pursue Him like nothing you've ever chased before. Pray when you don't feel like it. Close you bedroom door and scream, cry, talk to God. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to cry out to Him. Don't forget that He was once human too. I think that is something we too often forget. He was perfect when He was here on Earth, but He WAS human. He felt our same emotions. And on those days when you want to give up, keep going because it always storms right before a rainbow comes.

xoxoxo